Some people (most of us, I suppose), are what we do. So City types are – yanno – City types. And teachers tend to be a bit teachery. And hippies are … well, they bear a startling resemblance to hippies, generally. But I’ve never known what I was. I’m a woman who has worked in a male-dominated field for 20 years. I’m a geek, but I garden and paint and write reasonably well. I’m kind of a hippie in that I’m soft, but I like hunting. I’m shy but a monster. I’m a feminist who loves men. What the fuck am I?

Well, this evening I have been correctly identified, and I must say it feels marvellous! At last I understand where I fit in the world! I have a shorthand term I can use which will enable other people to instantly understand what I am. In fact I’d go as far as to say that this is the first time I have ever felt there is a niche I can fit into.

I am a “garretty artist type.” THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

This identification was delivered to me (over sashimi, mmmm), on the basis of my being a paintery, writery person who hangs out in proper old kimonos and wears big rings and sticks stupid stuff in their hair. I’m volatile and apt to fly off the handle quickly and colourfully, or be utterly heartbroken suddenly, which is apparently a requirement. I’m a bit not-quite-connected-to-the-world, which is part of it. I fall profoundly in love instantly. But most of all, more than anything else, allegedly, this identity is based on the fact that I once got so angry with my ex-husband that I threw a whole Camembert at him so hard it stuck.[1] And the fact that I only got so angry with him because I loved him.

This is the identifier.

There is a place for me in the world. And it is based on furious cheese-throwing.

[1] Both he and I cracked up at this point, and that was the end of that argument.

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19 Responses to Typing

  1. alanmimms says:

    You’re definitely right. Is this not obvious? It certainly was to everyone I know who knows you.

    • chiller says:

      I had NO idea. I’ve always wondered what my particular stereotype was and felt sadly adrift because I hadn’t worked it out. This is strangely reassuring.

  2. Katy says:

    Gosh, I want to know what I am now! X

    • chiller says:

      I think you are also a garretty-artist type. Honestly, WHY didn’t I realise!? Also, it totally validates all my flaky traits, like totally failing to do the washing up, which I have spent an entire lifetime trying to hide and battling myself to get on top of. Fuck it! Now I know I’m a garretty-artist type, I can fail to do my washing up and feel vaguely proud about the failing.

      I have also realised that this is where I’ve been going wrong with teh mens. I go out with normal ones and encourage them to be creative (because EVERYONE is creative). What I need to do is go out with actual artists, dancers, or writers. I need to go out with people who habitually create beauty. Why didn’t I realise this? Dear god.

      And who look quite a lot like predatory birds. Because that’s now firmly established, by repeated precedent, as my thing.

    • chiller says:

      Oh PS: xxxxxx

      • Katy says:

        I’m not sure if I am though. I’m sort of… Flyaway and a bit hard to manage. Perhaps I am just pre-Pantene hair. Xxx

      • Katy says:

        And! And, right. I don’t have kimonos. Only lots and lots of pyjamas even though I don’t tend to actually wear them to sleep in. And dressing gowns. Fluffy ones. I am Wrong Hair! Xxxx

      • chiller says:

        I have fluffy dressing gowns for winter! xxx

  3. almost witty says:

    You cheese-thrower. You are now, in fact, Alan Partridge. Congratulations. 😉

  4. doet says:

    The kimonos. The kimonos totally give you away.

    I have the same problem. What on Earth am I? I was once described by a common friend as “a humanist who doesn’t like people”, which I rather like. But it’s still not much of an identifier anyone else can get a handle on, is it? And I don’t see myself throwing cheese about, quite frankly, so the garrety artist route is closed to me. Alas! I shall yet linger a while in this limbo of the unlabelled.

    (unless secretly everyone has me firmly pigeon-holed but no one thought to tell me…)

    • chiller says:

      Yeah, and I don’t just have ONE kimono. Oh no. I have different ones for different seasons.

      I honestly haven’t got you pigeon-holed. But then I’m so dumb, I hadn’t realised I was a garretty-artist type, so feh, I’m no use. You’re a tough one to categorise, sir.

  5. jfs says:

    *Chiller and the Furious Cheese Throwers*

    I’m not sure if this is:

    a) A children’s cartoon along the line of Jamie and the Magic Torch – you know – one of those “I think they’re probably mainlining acid while writing this, but I’m not 100% sure because they’re actually meeting deadlines, but perhaps they should cut down on the repeated flourescent mice theme” cartoons from the 70s. (Also see: Mr Rossi.)

    b) a Situationist Art Collective

    c) A prog-punk indie band who’s first album had its high points, but who rapidly devolved into parody as that ‘difficult second album’ became a 3 minute 30 second rock opera based upon the life of Biggles.

    Perhaps all of the above.

    • chiller says:

      It was all going really well until I misread “prog punk” as “frog punk”.

      Let’s go with all of the above. But stick with frog-punk.

      • Jfs says:

        Frog-punk. When Goths discovered green, or Plastic Bertrand?

        (who was Belgian, sadly for this joke)

  6. almost witty says:

    Personally, I had you down as a bohemian artiste type anyway… just one with a fascination for data and firemen with the voice of Willem Dafoe.

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