Out of relapse.

I am – I think – on the way back up.

I’ve been rumbling downhill hard for two months, the last five weeks or so of which I’ve spent on the sofa in a jolly old relapse,* my first for eighteen months. I’m mad as hell that I’ve had one. I thought (hoped), I’d left that behind and learned how to outsmart them.

This week I managed to get out for a few hours and see some friends. Marvellous!

However, as always with relapse you lose ground, fast. One month in the hellbox eats you away, like being in a sand-blaster. I’m back to having to walk next to the handrail on stairs again, and back to having a very finite number of stairs I can manage in any one day. I can’t open packets again. My eyes have degraded further than ever before, and I will have to have them tested once I am well enough to get to an optician’s. My skin is so thin that every pair of shoes I own makes my feet bleed within 100 yards of leaving the house, and my hair has been coming out and is thinner. I’ve piled weight back on that I worked hard to lose, and lost muscle I worked so hard to gain – ah, but I have not lost ALL of the muscle I put on!

Back to square one-and-a-half.

I have to give myself a chance to come fully out of relapse before I start trying to improve again. I’ve only been on the way back up for four days as I write this. I’m sleeping better. My hair has stopped coming out. My skin seems to be beefing up, and I have no sugar cravings at all. Also, and this is a highly subjective marker, but an important one: I no longer feel quite so acutely as if I’m drowning, or being crushed under some great rolling wheel. Now I don’t feel so acutely ill, my ability to love has returned, like a cool wave breaking across a desert, and with it, my normal outlook, which is positive and outward-facing.

In short, I’m staggering back to my feet.

What I take from this episode is that I am not now, and am unlikely to be, well enough to attempt to have a relationship with anyone. It folds me up like wet cardboard if things go wrong. I’m too feeble to keep up if things go right. Well, plenty of fine people have gone through life on their own, and if that’s how it is, that’s how it is.

* There is nothing whatsoever jolly about a relapse.

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7 Responses to Out of relapse.

  1. elaine4queen says:

    i like that you are back, not that you relapsed or that you have had a setback. gah. that sounds so nothingy. and i do understand – oof, the handrail thing! it’s so totemic.

    i’m not saying you WILL meet someone, but i have to say you CAN. since being too ill to work or socialize i have been in three relationships. the longest i was on my own was probably when i first got ill, or maybe it just felt like that because i was still adjusting to things and was in a mega grief period. i met all three on the internet, but only one, the least suitable one, on a dating agency.
    try not to sweat it.

    ooh! i have been listening to these recently http://www.audiodharma.org/series/57/talk/1783/
    i’ve listened to them before. they’re good.

    sending you all the good vibes ~~~~~

    • chiller says:

      Well, not quite back yet, but systems are flickering and showing signs of life. I have to wait and be gentle before I become actually capable of anything. I’ve done this so many times before…

      And the relationship thing? No. I’m too fragile. Relapses aren’t funny, they leave me with more damage each time. They’re harder to come back from each time. And a lot of people with ME don’t come back from them at some point. I’m scared of what little independence I have being removed. I’m not prepared to go through this every time someone decides they’re not that interested in me after all.

      I’m not sweating it – I’ve done without any affection since 2003, and I’m not dead yet! I’m going to crack on with my life and just not think about it again.

      Thanks for the recommendation! x

      • elaine4queen says:

        ouch! i’ve had that. ironically, everything fell to crap when i got BETTER for a while!
        it was harsh.

      • chiller says:

        I’ve had nine unbroken years of guys discovering they don’t like me that much after a month or two. I conclude I must be a completely shit / boring / revolting human being. Whatever it is, I genuinely am too frail to have that lesson drummed into me ever again.

        I’d rather just quietly accept it now, and try to find something else to do.

  2. elaine4queen says:

    oh lamb!
    it is nice to have someone, but only when it’s NICE. all other versions are crap anyway.

  3. I hope you are feeling on the up still – I found your blog entry very helpful as I’m just back on the up myself too after a difficult time. Warm regards 🙂

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