HELLO. I have been seriously not-ok since I did that post about cross-dressing. I have had the odd alrightish day, but basically bleurgh, culminating in the last couple of weeks, which have been straightforwardly rather hellish. I’m going to use “hellish” as an umbrella term to cover lots of pain, thin skin that breaks when you touch it, ligaments that seem made of glass and knives. I’m back to being unable to squat down and get up, again. Or to raise my arms above chest height for more than a second without lactic acid kicking my arse and the world going all black flowers. My hands don’t work, so I can’t make anything, and typing is a bitch. To top it all, when I’m like that I don’t have any spare energy for interpreting physical reality, and everything I see simply becomes a big, bright, meaningless shape. I don’t have any reaction to it. I don’t care what it is, I just wish it would stop being there and demanding interpretation from me. I wonder sometimes if this is how it feels to be very autistic. That complete overwhelm, and the wish that everything would back off, stop being, so loudly and so painfully.
That last bit, in particular, makes crossing roads interesting. The whole lot together – bleeding feet, full body pain-suit, inability to comprehend anything that isn’t very dimly lit and not moving – makes a trip to Sainsers feel like a really hostile version of the BBC’s “Total WipeOut”. Still, you have to do it, eh? Those cat treats don’t buy themselves and my feeling ill is not good enough reason to drop my cats’ standard of living. NO SIR.
Plus, when I’m really not well, I make completely rubbish decisions. Walking to Sainsers for cat treats being a prime example.
But! Today! Today I went for a little walk (ok, it has made my feet bleed a bit), and the world felt like the world again, and I was connected to it. The sights, sounds and smells made sense. There were trees! The sky! The smell of fish and chips! I could tell how fast the cars were moving! The people were just people instead of dodgem-bears! The light was beautiful, not painful.
I don’t know if this is a one good day in a continuum of hard times, or whether this is the first good day of a run of good days, but whatever it is, I’m grabbing it.
Right after this emergency nap.