Glass.

He says: “Write! You must write and you aren’t writing. It’s because you’re worried it won’t be good enough…”
And “No,” I interrupt. “It isn’t that. It isn’t that.” I know I’m good.

There is no ear to whisper into.

This is the problem. I have always written. Since early childhood, every day, every hour, words, and the need to be heard, the powerful need to record, to make sense of this overwhelming planet. And it’s still there, that need at least to send out a little blip into the universe: “I am here! Where are you?” or I wouldn’t tweet, although I tweet personal stuff less and less, my tweets have less emotional content. I think of stopping daily, but I am aware that that, (seemingly a healthy move, or so all the sensible people with actual lives would tell you), would not free me up to knock out another book or a bunch of short stories or some poems. It would just represent total silence from me. On all fronts.

Since last June I’ve been very ill. I’ve hardly seen anyone (and I’m hermitty at the best of times); but that in itself isn’t a big issue.  Some people do well alone, I am one (as long as I know someone exists that I wouldn’t mind not being alone with). I’ve been too unwell to keep up with my allotment, which I must now give up. And that was my last thread to having regular (ish) contact with other humans. *snip* and it is over. And then what?

Writing has always been weirdly linked to love, for me. A petrol engine needs gas to run. I run on love, on being in love. Yet not only do I have a health condition that prevents me from meeting anyone, the last time I met a partner who actually treated me like a human being was in 2007. And that was the first since 2003. All the intervening ones were exactly as awful and damaging as these things ever CAN be. And now I feel so alienated from … (I’m going to say “humans” because I no longer feel I am one) humans, that I cannot fall in love with one. They want things I don’t want. They need things I can’t give. They don’t care about the things I care about. They take things I can’t live without. They don’t see the things I see. I become exhausted explaining myself to them or pretending to be something they can understand. They frighten and repel me and I can’t get past it. I am the stars and the space between the stars. I am a spring flower. I am too simple for this.

I have no memory of most of my life. I only remember and repeat the stories I have told people. I know where I said I was and what I said I did. I no longer remember being there. And that is part of why I wrote, part of why I took photographs, part of why I kept every message. To remember. So when I found you I could say: I don’t remember how I got here, but here, here is the story, here is the map. Here are the things I saw and felt. Add them up, and you can understand me.

But there is nothing TO remember, now. Even the seasons are barely ajar to me. I walk to Tesco and smell the coal smoke on the air at the corner, the house with the parrot. And so I know it is no longer summer, that the fire is on, that the air is still and falling.  I walk back. And there is no ear to whisper these things into. 

I let go of the stories, too tired to hold them any more, and now most of them are gone. I don’t have a map of myself any more, there is just this moment. I exist, persistently. I enjoy the small experiences I have, but I have nothing to say about them. They are the same as the ones I had last year and the year before, but smaller and smaller. The ones I wrote down at the time make better reading than anything I could write now, because when I wrote them I believed you would read them one day.

I thought that there would be someone here like me. But there is not, just an endless sea of modern humans thinking of baked beans, and remembering – with perfect facility – what happened five years ago, and recognising faces, and talking of who is having sex with whom, telephone bills, and never noticing that the air is still and falling, full of the invisible burnt black heart of the earth, nor what that means.

And I no longer believe you exist, or that I can find you if you do. I searched the world when I could, but I failed, and so what is there. Some days hurt, some don’t. I don’t remember the days so it doesn’t matter. My life, minute to minute, is content, is contentless.  I enjoy the moment. Fur, clean sheets, cold water, the tick and hum of the dryer, the rain, the unmown lawn battered down silver green, the glass that separates me from it, the days when I can walk, the days when I can’t. But there is no gap in the puzzle-earth for this jigsaw piece, there is nothing to say, no ear to whisper nothing into.

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17 Responses to Glass.

  1. Charles Turner says:

    I cannot believe you will not be found. By moonlight, in the forest clearing. A shiver through your fur and a flash of recognition. Wordless.

  2. Cwol101 says:

    Yet there are those who will listen and understand. You aren’t me, but without the handful of good friends I somehow managed to hang onto I could be where you are. Without the coincidence that gave me a handle onto the world to keep that connection, that world could easily have drifted away. I hang onto the fringes, listening in on the world of careers and relationships, drama and crisis. Echoes of the life I once had that draw brief flickers from the dying embers of my memory of how things used to be. And a reminder of how thin the ledge, how tenuous the handhold. One short step.

  3. rmwk100 says:

    Hi, Chiller, thanks so much for your blog, which my husband forwarded to me. I’d love to follow you, but can’t see how to do that. I blog on WordPress myself, but I’m stumped! xxx

    • chiller says:

      There’s usually a bar across the very top of the page on WordPress, if I recall correctly I use it via a phone app rather than a browser, so I’m not much help, I’m afraid!

  4. Maria Lavis says:

    It throws me off
    that stretched agenda…
    but I cannot read
    and move on,
    when I hear the song
    of the reed singing
    in the dark,
    singing my song.

    “These pains you feel are messengers.
    Listen to them…
    There is a secret medicine
    given only to those
    who hurt so hard they can’t hope.

    The hopers would feel slighted
    if they only knew.”

    “We are the night ocean
    filled
    with glints of light.

    We are the space
    between
    the fish and the moon…”
    – Rumi

    You said…
    …no ear to whisper nothing into…

    Perhaps,
    if if I
    (being no ear,
    no, nothing,
    but,
    perhaps,
    the wind blowing by)
    may,
    reposition these shards
    like a wabi sabi bowl,
    made of
    dappled pieces of
    a robin’s egg
    found
    strewn, mostly hidden,
    in the long, autumn grass…
    what would it hold?

    Into nothing
    whisper.

    To no ear,
    say nothing.

    There is
    this (beautiful)
    jigsaw piece
    for this
    puzzle-earth,
    but…
    there…
    no gap.

    ..

    No gap
    when you join
    those also occupying
    the spaces in between,
    the glue
    connecting
    worlds.

  5. Fles says:

    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel less isolated but it would require wisdom beyond anything that I have to offer. Know this, though: through your words and the thoughts that you push out into the world, you have influence and you inspire affection and personal aspiration. You make a difference and you are regarded with fondness, revered and valued x

  6. lyart says:

    we cyberlot maybe are the ones who have to be the ears for what you consider nothings to be whispered into. amazing writing. thx for sharing.

  7. blueblane says:

    You just put words to the emptiness I was enduring. I am amazed how we both can feel the same thing and yet feel alone.

  8. matthyatt says:

    Interesting perspective on lonliness. Never knew someone could have as deep of an explanation and understanding of that. Beautiful post

  9. zuriyas says:

    Talk about hitting home. ” I am the stars and the space between the stars. I am a spring flower. I am too simple for this.” Beautiful. It captures those who feel no one will ever understand their inner feelings. I am in love.

  10. April says:

    The emotions you stir with your words–breathtaking. I feel that I could read your writing and only your writing for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.

  11. Just found your post, and it can clearly picture my loneliness that I can’t even describe.
    Loved it.

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